Better Late Than Never…..

Hell is officially frozen, Pigs are flying and Monkeys are crawling out of Alan’s Butt!! That’s right ladies and gentlemen, brother Frank has quit smoking!
So, how was that bet laid out again? Alan rides a fake bike and Frank quits the most addictive substance this side of Tang?! Fair? No. Besides, Alan lost like 15 lbs…and gained 20 hanging with school chum JT in one night! If the bet involved his nails I’d won easily!! This calls for a list!!

Top 10 Changes that come with quitting…

10. Shhhhh….It’s pretty quiet around here without all that bitching about my smoke.

9. 10 & 2 ……Both hands on the steering wheel, weird!

8. Work sucks 20 minutes longer….No smoke breaks for NON smokers, bullshit.

7.$180 richer…..$6 a pack * 30 days…you get the math.

6. Now what?…..I guess sleep follows directly after sex now.

5. Who farted?…..I can smell EVERYTHING!!!

4. I’m That guy…. I tell everyone I quit and how.

3. 30 sit ups, 50 push ups, 3-5 miles ever other day. No shit.

2. No more Flem….I hope I spelled that right.

1. More people than ever hate me……Fuck them! Some say I am meaner, some are jealous or mad I actually quit smoking. Misery loves company and nothing pisses off a smoker more than someone who succeeded in quitting. My good smelling ass is gonna run right by them while cracking a six minute mile as they huddle around an ashtray grumbling how indecent it is for me to run in public wearing those shorts. I do it for the ladies.

Special thanks to Kathy for the “Book of Ages” which pretty much pushed me over the edge to quit.

Cussin Is Bad For Ya…

Cussing makes you sound dumb, like you don’t know a correct adjetive for a situation.

 

Swear words are innapropriate for public places! Many people find these words too harsh to hear.

 

Curse words will banish others to hell if you say them….really.

 

The Veracity: Eskimos have over 100 different words for snow, I bet some of those words are used for when it is snowing really heavy and you don’t feel like snow right now. I bet that word really isn’t appropriate when you feel like snow or want it to snow and etc, etc. Point being, what others consider foul language I may consider correct for the situation. You may use a different word than I, but our central themes will be the same. 

Eskimos have a fucking confusing language.

Lyons Falls, New York is the Entertainment Capitol of the World

3 days in this mecca of entertainment is too much fun for anyone.

The city is loaded with theatres, restaurants, theme parks, golf courses and beautiful scenery for all to enjoy!

Thanks to a bursting economy all vendors keep their prices as low as possible to stay competitive!

The weather is beautiful, 70 degrees and sun…ALL DAY!!

The Veracity: Where in the fuck am I? My wifes cousin chooses this place to host her wedding?! No pool, no rec room, no bar?! This is the worst hotel ever. At least the locals know how to have fun….hmmm, we will have to wait and see. And the pricing up here? Gougeing is a fucking understatement. $8.50 for my pack of smokes! What the hell is going on here? Smoking is the only thing to do here……wait, that makes some sense then. But whatever, visit someplace else.

Sex Gets Better with Age!!

We know what we are doing now, so no more awkward fumbling beneath the sheets!

It’s about love now, and that makes everything “special”!

No more dating for me! I have what I want and have access whenever and where ever!

The Veracity: Men are like hunters in the wild, out for that next kill. Every hunt is different, some are easy and you get you catch quickley while others take longer and often lead to nothing.
Now men in relationships are still that mighty hunter, only now they have been given access to a grocery store. The hunter is exstatic with joy! All the food I want!! Don’t have to go out into the wild anymore!! But soon the hunter finds that his grocery store has odd hours of operation, not really a set schedule – just when it feels like being open. Also, his grocery store is talking about instituting a membership policy, a contract if you will, that says he may not hunt for food anymore and has to get his groceries FROM THIS STORE ALONE!!! Our hunter friend is worried. He likes hunting but the grocery store is much more convienent, although the selection does not vary often. In the end our hunter chooses the grocery store because he is lazy and realizes that one cannot hunt forever. It is a wise choice, if you like to eat.

The second kid is a breeze…

Having two kids is going to save me a bundle! I already have everything the kid needs: toys, clothes, bottles…..

 

It will be great for my son to have a playmate. I will just kick back while my son teaches my new little boy the ropes, he will be like a mentor!

 

It is going to be fun taking trips to the store now: no extra seat in the back of the car and they both can help me pick things out.

 

My three bedroom house was feeling a bit empty, it will be nice to fill that extra room up.

 

The Veracity: This is scary as shit. Two kids means that they both have to sit by a door while in the car (which every parent knows means death in an accident), two of them screaming for shit they don’t need and won’t want when we get home from the store. Two kids not eating a damn thing for dinner but begging later for a snack. Another daycare bill, great. No storage room for MY displaced shit anymore. Oh, and we are having a girl so all of my sons hand-me-downs are worthless. Actually, this should be fun.

The Joys of Home Ownership

Owning a house is the best investment you can make. Over time the value of a home is going to rise, thus making you money.

 

Home repairs are a cinch, quick and easy! Really there is no better way to unite a family than a home improvement project. That’s why the Amish are always building barns, they have a strong belief in family values.

 

There is no better feeling than standing on your property and realizing” this is my land”. A sense of ownership makes the home life more relaxing.

 

The way you decorate your house is a the best way for people to discover “who” you are.

 

The Veracity: If you bought a house in the last ten years you got totally fucked up in the last 6 months. You buy a house for more than it is worth only to dump a shitload of money into it with improvements. That money is gone. The person you sell your house to (at a significant loss) is going to tear all that shit out anyways. It is fucked up that we all feel better about ourselves when we walk into someone elses house and it is messier than our own. I am in a family of 8. My shit breaks, I am a fucking orphan.  

 

Work IS Awesome!!

I work in retail, the most glorious of the sales fields. This is the show, where the money rolls and the power is intoxicating. Need a fitting room? I am the guy. Need that pair of jeans in a 7? I’m your man…you need a 9, but whatever; we will deal with that later.

I am so important they pay me by THE HOUR. That’s right; I keep a little card with all my time stats so I know just how much I am owed. The money isn’t great, it’s better than great. Not one fast food joint in Northern Zanesville pays their new recruits more than I make. They can’t afford to, they can’t even get close until that recruit finalizes their training in like 6 weeks. Booya!

I work in the hub of all commercial traffic for my metropolitan area. 36,000 people (that’s right, 3 zeros) rely on my mall for all their clothing and electronic needs. Shit, we have the market cornered. Without my mall, people in this town would have to drive 45 minutes to the next town! Nobody drives that far.

I am currently the second most powerful person in my store. Only one person has power over me, and she is the smartest retail professional alive. She is so good that all work related to retail is beneath her. I know this, so for 3 years I have made sure she hasn’t had to do shit. I don’t need paid for this extra effort; having her claim the work as her own is enough for me. Imagine writing the most significant book in the history of literate man….and then having the greatest known writer in the history of greatest writers (Dan Brown) take credit for that work. She is my hypothetical Dan Brown.

The future in retail is amazing. I initially got started in retail because I wanted a jump start in the business field while all of my sucker friends got college degrees. Now look who is laughing. They are all worried about getting a job in their specific field, whereas I could get a job anywhere in America right now doing exactly what I do and get paid the exact same amount. Talk about security!

The customer is the reason why I would never choose another career path. Being in the “retail sector”, customers have a infinite amount of patience and respect for what I do. I am never rushed or snapped at, I am admired and appreciated by all. I love customers. Bringing a smile to their face makes me smile. I love customers.

The Veracity: I have worked three years in retail. My boss is lazy and mean. Customers are lazy and mean. I dropped out of college because I am fucking stupid. I cannot advance in retail because there are two balls below my dick. There are no choices in the small ass town I live in, I am stuck in hell.